Last night I asked Luis if he ever feels like he doesn’t have the stomach for having a business…he didn’t really understand what “having a stomach” for something meant, but he did adamantly push against the idea the we should give up on this baby business. Occasionaly, usually on Sunday nights, when my legs feel like they may detach from my body and my brain can’t focus on any single task, I wonder if I really “have it in me” to do this. By Monday morning, the feeling often passes but man, oh man- having a business is not for the faint of heart. I have said it many times before, but I never realized how mentally and emotionally draining this could be. I have always been a perfectionist, so I don’t know if that helps or makes it worse, but I find that I take little things to heart and I really really feel the emotional toll of trying to keep customers AND our team happy. It’s a constant battle of attending to people’s needs while also attending to the needs of the business…and my own needs. On the other hand though, I rather have this business and get to experience and live the successes and manage the stress and problems than have to show up for work every day and be a slave to something that I’m not passionate about. Having a business fits my personality- I like to be creative, watch things grow, earn money, connect with people, make people happy, think of new ideas, be my own boss (on a good day, I go to work at 9:30 am and leave by 5:30, but there are people working from 6:30-8:00pm), be organized and super Type A, make lists, delegate… I like all of that. I don’t like the people politics, the fine line between business and personal, the stress of always trying to make everyone happy while also trying to do things well, the non-stopness of it, that even when I’m not there, I am thinking about it or worried about it, the judgement, the worry, the anxiety, the feeling that people always leave, etc. etc. I also don’t like the stress of when things are not done the way I want or need them to be done and I get angry/annoyed/upset about it. I think I used to be a more relaxed person and having a business has made me more…uptight? One of my employees told me the other day that I have a strong personality (we were talking about astrological signs) and she was like, “but not in a bad way!!” and it surprised me because I have never thought of myself as someone with a strong personality, but I told her that I think at work I have a strong personality because I always have to be ON to make sure things go the way I need them to go. I try to be go-with-the-flow, but for things to go a certain way, you also have to show up and make expectations clear. I constantly struggle with wanting to be nice and feeling for our people and customers on a personal level, but also with the business side saying “I know you have a lot going on outside of work, but I need things to go xyz way while you’re here so that we can get abc done.”.
Anyway, on Sunday’s I don’t have the stomach for this but on Monday’s I do. So I guess it’s good that Monday comes around every week.
On an unrelated, but somewhat related note- my accountant has been writing to me all week asking if I have a “relationship” with various businesses because they have been notified of said business’ bankruptcy. Two of the three notifications have been about similar businesses to my own that I really admired so….things aren’t always necessarily how they seem.
And lastly, I am thinking of switching this site back to a wordpress site. I never have the energy to write on here anymore, so there is no reason to pay for the site, but I still want to have the option to write.
Have a great week!
